Thursday, 17 August 2017

To Not Always Being Body Confident.

Today I feel a little bit like a bloated potato.

Not usually how I intend to start off a blog post but I feel it's an accurate representation of my current feels.

I've woken to a monumental spot on my cheek and despite eating nothing but green vegetables and bloody quinoa all week my IBS has gone up the wall, hence why I'm momentarily giving up and I've just eaten two large helpings of the leftover pasta bake I promised myself I wouldn't touch. It’s drowning in cheese and my insides are prob going to HATE me but like I always say, I can deal with that tomorrow. I’ve also snubbed my usual matcha latte and made myself an instant coffee with 3 sugars and a spoonful of cadburys hot choc powder because I just don't really care.

Yep, if you can’t tell already, this is gonna be a bit of an all over the place kind of a post.

I told myself 2017 was the year I was going to be happy with my body, embrace my shape and learn to take a step back from the negative thoughts rather than let them consume me. I declared loudly and proudly that I was happy with the fact my weight gain seems to head straight to my upper arms. I wouldn't give a damn that my boobs will never look in proportion to my huge bum and my small waist, I decided that those things simply wouldn’t matter anymore. They didn’t physically affect me so if I could simply shift my mindset then that would pretty much be half the battle, sounds incredibly simple when you write it down.

It was kinda going well until the dreaded hormones hit. I got bloated, I got moody and I stopped doing my 50 squats a day. Instead I did about 10 and then decided my legs hurt too much and I’d rather be lying down. I just generally lost all motivation to even try. To me body confidence doesn't always come from being as toned as possible but it comes from feeling strong, feeling motivated and feeling in control. Ideally I’d be going to the gym 3-4 times a week, walking to the shops instead of driving and eating nothing but goodness but sometimes you just can’t be arsed.

And although that is entirely my fault and I know you’re probably thinking why don’t you get off your arse and just GO, I also have the right to sometimes just not want to go. To not see the point because my arms are still no smaller than when I started. To want to just sit home and eat something naughty and then probably drown my sorrows and spend my night self loathing.

Because we have all been there.

Seeing yourself in your best light is not something we are always given the ability to do, unfortunately it’s not a natural thought process to cheer yourself on and it takes a lot of work to change a lifetime of negative thoughts. One small negative thing will always outweigh the positives. A photo, a glance in the mirror, even just accidentally opening your front facing camera and being faced with three chins can be pretty soul destroying. The photos you find yourself tagged in by your mates on Facebook, the ones that you’ve not been able to sift through and edit they have the ability to squash every single body confident thought you’ve ever had.

The photos you see on my Instagram, they were the best of the bunch and the 100 + others you didn't see reminded me of the 100 + reasons I'm not happy with myself. They no doubt highlighted my nose or my slightly flabby arms or my somewhat large forehead. We all have the ability to ooze confidence with the simple push of a button by sharing something online and I am so guilty of it, thinking 'wow look at her, she doesn't give a damn' but it's the 120 other photos you DON'T see that proves just how much she really does care.

You can still champion body confidence and have bad days. It doesn't make you any less of a woman, it doesn't mean you don't celebrate curves and it doesn't mean you don't think they are beautiful because they are. Beauty comes in all different shapes and sizes and sometimes you just don't necessarily feel like you have the best fit. You are allowed to love your curves and still have days where you just feel fat, you are allowed to be slim and have days where you don’t feel strong.

I am yet to post a full length photo of myself but I am intending to and I am quite honestly terrified. I am dreading having to sift through all of the photos and not being okay with absolutely any of them. I will then probably compare how awkward and stiff I look in comparison to the gorgeous girls in the industry who just absolutely nail it. Rather than dwelling on this I think it’s okay to just accept that it’s somewhat normal.

As lovely as it would be to be swanning around in front of our mirrors, giving ourselves mini fist pumps over how flipping amazing we look sometimes it's just not going to happen. Sometimes spending your night self loathing and dwelling on how much weight you've gained is allowed.

The important part is that you pick yourself up and you remember how normal that really is.

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