Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Why It's Okay To Have Very Few Friends

I appreciate that the title of this post makes me sound incredibly lonely.

If this is the first time you've come across my blog then you probably have the following image in your head.
Me sitting in the corner, book in hand, headphones in, unwilling to communicate with anyone.

In all fairness you wouldn't be far wrong.

When I was at school it was more about fitting in, I am and always have been known as a bit of a people pleaser, I'm that annoying one that always sits on the fence, the one that wants an easy life so I nod and smile and don't dare offend anyone.

Then I turned 21 and I realised I didn't wanna sit on that fence any more, I am an adult now and I have the ability to choose my friends, I don't need someone to sit with at lunch just so I won't be a loser. I like sitting on my own in Costa, I think I look sassy AF and there's no one to judge me when I order two chocolate twists instead of just the one.

Point is I've made a lot of changes this year with my relationships, not always intentionally but it's happened and honestly I am okay with that. I've recently lost the bestest friend I ever had, we were inseparable since year 7 and literally a day would never go by where we didn't speak, she was my go-to, my rock, my absolute everything.

But then we grew up and with that we grew apart.

Not intentionally, not on purpose, we never fell out, we never argued but we just weren't there for each other, we didn't make each laugh anymore, we didn't text or talk on the phone, we didn't ever see each other, we just grew apart and soon I found myself drinking cheap wine and laughing hysterically with someone else.

The end of a friendship is hard, losing someone who impacted your life in a way that no one else did, it's harder when you get older because it's not just someone you sit with at school, it's someone you confide in about your anxiety, your fears and your insecurities. It's that someone who tells you you're beautiful when you hate who you see looking back at you, that someone who tells you he's not worth the tears or the anger or the upset, they make you feel like they are that one person who will never do you wrong, they'll never give up on you, and then one day they do. It's hurts more because you never expected it, the guy you dated for a few months last summer well you could kinda see that one coming when he fucked you over for someone else but not her, not your best friend.

You get older and you can count your friends on one hand, losing one is like losing a limb, you notice and it leaves a hole.

That's the thing when your 16, you have a million friends because you're kinda supposed to, it's how you learn. There was the one who persuaded me to drink a 63% shot and get kicked out of Missoula, she was a babe. Then there's the one that thought she'd have sex with my ex, shout out to her, she was probably the worst friend I have ever had. It's not until you reach a certain age that you take a step back and think hold up, you're actually a really shitty person and I don't even like you.
That person that makes you feel rubbish for every little thing you do, the one you have muted on Whatsapp because you can't face the aggravation, seriously get rid. Maybe they don't mean it but why should you bear the brunt of it, it's draining and it shouldn't feel like hard work, Life is time consuming and shit gets in the way, it's not all wine, movie nights and boy chats. Save that precious time for the people you love and the ones who love you, the ones you want to share your time with.

I lost my best friend last year and although it breaks my heart to say it, the friendship was getting exhausting, relentless and it just wasn't good for me anymore. That hole it's left, it'll always be there, 12 years of friendship doesn't count for nothing but then those memories are mine to keep forever, sometimes you just need to quit whilst your ahead and so I did.

I can't fill out a private booth in a club and I probably wouldn't hire a hall for my birthday party because it'd look pretty dire but who cares when I have the most amazing, beautiful, genuine people in my life, those that I get to call my friends.