Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Hormones. The Pill. Anxiety

You know when today is just not your day.

You drop your contact lense down the loo, you can't find a pair of tights that don't have a huge rip in them and you're pretty sure you've lost the only mac lipstick you actually own...

You even tweet about it because you just need to share your frustration at how shit life is and then no one even likes it and ARGH all you wanted was just a teeny tiny little bit of sympathy.

What about when that day turns into a week.

What about when you literally just don't want to get up.

That is how I am currently feeling, I debated whether or not to even write this, my bed was a way better option but then I needed coffee and a shit load of sugar and by the time I got downstairs I figured I may as well stay here, so here I am in and amongst a duvet forte with Radio 1 on in the background because Jeremy Kyle was just a bit depressing as hell.

Yesterday I had an interview for a job which in all honesty I don't want - It's the best of a bad bunch but it still makes me feel like I've taken 20 steps back. This time a few months ago I was in a PR office, having just accepted an apprenticeship with an amazing firm and now I'm back here with no clue what I want out of life.

It seems everyone around me is accepting their dream job and then there is me, struggling to chose between a call centre and a part time job at a theatre.

Lemme just get back out of the deep end for a moment.

I tell myself I can snap out of it and for a few minutes I can, like yesterday when I got in my car and decided to go to Costa with my laptop to plan my 21st. I got as far as the high street before I parked up and sat there for about 15 minutes deliberating if I really wanted to get out or if I just wanted to go home and get back into bed.

I went home, I was more annoyed about not getting my iced caramel latte if I'm being completely honest, I had an instant coffee when I got in but it's really not the same. I also can't decide if I prefer Kenco or Nescafe at the moment so I'm making do with a teaspoon of both.

So yeah, I'm the crazy person that drives somewhere just to drive home again, no wonder my petrol is always so bloody low.

Is that normal, I don't think so but then who knows. We can all be a little irrational and crazy from time to time, perhaps just some more than others.

I dont really know why I didn't just get out the car and go to Costa, I think that's why I'm mad at myself, I'm mad and I'm upset and I'm frustrated because I can't help myself if I don't know what is wrong.

I also can't find my pack of contraceptive pills so that's really great, I am literally half way through a pack and I've had to just come to a standstill, so I've had two periods in three weeks and for an anaemic that is really not so great.

I'm also starting to deliberate whether or not the pill is really for me, it makes me extra moody and grumpy which bloody hell, is really not a great thing. I also never remember to take it on time, I lose the rest of the packet and I am just apparently a really irresponsible human being so maybe I would be safer with something else.

Which leads me on nicely, I also never can tell if I'm just hideously hormonal or genuinely not okay.
I want to go to the doctors but then theres the issue of what the hell do I even say anyway.
I have this thing where I make everything sounds so much better when I say it out loud, so I'd probably end up going and telling him how great everything is and then it would be super awks when he asks me why I actually booked the appointment.

Is anyone else as confused at life as I am? I mean I take comfort in thinking you are, not in a mean way, just in a 'oh so I am normal' kind of a way.

I am aware that I need to do something, speak to someone, find a relief, I'm not sure yet. I also know that I need to take a bit more control, if I'm not happy in my current job then I need to find another, it doesn't have to be the best job in the world but if it makes me happy then it is worth finding.

Here I am currently sat in my gym gear, ironically my leggings have a huge 'move' slogan going up one leg yet my top has a slogan saying 'carbs', I feel like I am slightly contradicting myself but for today that is fine. I'm going to go to Tesco, heck I might even get out the car this time.

 I'm going to buy myself some linguine and king prawns and maybe an avocado and I am going to win at life. Follow