Tuesday, 13 September 2016

"Don't Be So Boring"


Possibly one of the worst things you can call me. 

Honestly, it cuts like a knife. 

Why? Becasue I am a people pleaser, I care too much and I want people to like me. 

Well not everyone - the woman working on the self service checkout at Tesco this morning gave me the most disgusted look because apparently everything I scanned needed store approval and quite frankly I couldn't give a shit. 

But my friends opinions matter to me, naturally I am sure everyone feels this way but I worry that I care a little too much, to the point where I put myself in situations that I don't want to be in purely because if I say no I will be deemed the 'boring' one. 

Well up yours, because I like sitting at home watching youtube videos and washing my hair.
I like drinking coffee, I hate prosecco, wine and really anything remotely alcoholic, it gives me a dodgy tummy and a banging headache. I don't mind going clubbing and not drinking, I will be designated driver and honestly I am okay with that. 

Why can't people understand that sometimes boring is actually bloody brilliant. 

I'm serious, there is nothing better than being the only sober one in the room, it has it's downsides yeah but it's really rather liberating and you can still dance like a twat becasue everyone is far too pissed to notice. 

The idea for this post hit me about two weeks ago. I was at a work do with my colleagues, it was a casual thing, a BBQ with a couple of glasses of wine, nothing too crazy. I didn't want to drink so I drove, it was also raining and public transport in the rain is not the one. It's no secret that when my anxiety hits and I'm having a bit of an off week I steer completely clear of alcohol, only because it heightens my anxiety and makes me feel worse. 

I say it's no secret but then I guess it kind of is, only a few select friends know I sometimes feel quite anxious, I am known for being a worrier but I think people tend to just brush that under the carpet and not really read too much into it.

When my friends decided to head off into town afterwards to make it a big night out I instantly starting thinking of a reasonably sounding excuse, I figured something lame like "Oh I need to get home to the dog" probably wouldn't cut it. I also have zero money to be spending on wine right now so there was that in the back of my mind.

So then it started.

"Sorry I can't, I have my car"
"That's alright, you can leave it here overnight" 

"Okay but I have an early start tomorrow"
"But your not working so it's fine"

"But, I can't really afford it"
"Oh don't worry, we'll pay for your drinks" 

Basically they weren't taking no for an answer.

Usually I'd be pretty up for it because truth be told, I do enjoy going out. I love a good dance and I like the odd cocktail, I'm not tee-total, despite how I've made it seem. I just don't enjoy drinking when I am feeling anxious. It makes me feel vulnerable, I feel ashamed of myself and the next day I can't get out of bed, not for being hungover but for feeling shitty at how much money I've spent on alcohol. Then I start hating on myself for not having a full time job, for not having enough money in my savings.. it basically stems on and before I know it I feel like utter crap.

But how do you explain that to someone who doesn't understand anxiety?

So I cried.
I mean I didn't intend to, it just happened.

I should also point out that these friends I am refereeing to are two of my best friends as well as my work colleagues, I love them hugely and as soon as they realised how much I really didn't want to go out drinking they hugged me and told me they wouldn't love me any less if I went home.

So I did.
I plodded on home, sober and feeling a bit silly.

But then it hit me, anxiety is such a real thing and it does affect people in ways you wouldn't know possible. People don't understand that and it is incredibly hard to explain, it's almost like words just aren't enough, unless you are physically crying, shaking or having a panic attack then people just can't see it.

That's why I take the time to explain how I feel, I want people around me to know that I am still me, I am still up for doing the odd jager bomb despite how vile they are, I just sometimes don't want to and that is absolutely okay too.

So now I tell myself that if people see me as boring then they don't know the real me.
I am actually incredibly entertaining if I do say so myself - if you want a night in with youtube, cake and ice cream then I am your girl.

And if you think that's boring, you've obviously never had Ben & Jerry's..