Tuesday, 19 July 2016

My Anxiety and My Happy Place

It's no secret that I am not the most enthusiastic or positive person in the world, I'll probably tell you the glass is half empty as a pose to being half full because that's just how I am, it's bloody hard work but that's just how my mind works. It can be exhausting suffering with your mental health and although it's something that I feel incredibly comfortable with now, it did take
me a while to come to terms with the fact that my mind, like many others, doesn't always work the same as everyone else's.
But hey, that's okay, you just have to figure out how to not let it take over your life.

My anxiety over the past three weeks has been shocking. It all started up again after a rather hefty night out when I thought I'd just get smashed, because ya know why not? It was a Friday and I got paid, of course I was feeling a glass or 4 white wine spritzers #noshame. The next day I couldn't even bring myself to get in my car, I woke up feeling so frustrated with myself. I couldn't drive because every time I approached another car I would get this sudden wave of panic fill up inside of me and I couldn't bring myself to face the road.

Since then I've been having quite regular anxiety attacks, I say anxiety attacks as I don't really know the difference between one of those and a panic attack. I feel like the severity of my problem is not as great as someone who suffers with full on anxiety but then maybe I'm just dumbing it down, I think we all do that when it comes to our own mental health. We don't want to sound selfish and all ME, ME, ME, so we tell ourselves we're okay, that there is someone else who has it way worse.
Really we shouldn't do that, we are important too.

I've hit a bit of a cross roads in my life with my career, my relationship, my friendships and my finances, I feel like one by one I can cope with all of those things but when they all come at once it just gets a bit much, like when my to do list gets so long so I just don't do any of it. I like to run away from things, it's my coping mechanism but when something hurts you and takes over your whole thought process I guess you can't run, you have to face it and I hate feeling so exposed to my emotions.

I won't specifically go into what is causing my anxiety right now because I kind of wanted this post to be a way of moving forward a little. I want to focus on how I get past it and how I still put one foot in front of the other when all I really want to do is sleep under my duvet for eternity with Nutella pancakes and an unlimited supply of diet coke. Obviously if you can do this from time to time you totally should.

It was actually my best friend who convinced me to get out from my homemade duvet forte and see a little bit of the world once again, she also desperately wanted to catch some Pokemon so there was that too. We took a walk to our relatively local park, which is so beautiful and peaceful, even though it was full of people glued to their phones. Spending time with my best friends makes me just about as happy as I can be. They take away my worries, my fears, all of the thing that play on my mind and make me feel anxious, they disappear, even just for 2 or 3 hours, they aren't there and I love it.

Being in that bubble takes away my anxiety, it takes away the heavy feeling I get in my chest, it takes away my rapidly beating heartbeat and it makes me feel like me again.

I think the hardest thing is when you don't know what makes you happy. When I was younger I would literally spend nights on my phone googling 'I don't know how to be happy' because I just wanted an answer. I wanted someone who could tell me what I needed to do and I literally would have done it. As I've got older I have learnt to realise that no one else can answer that question for you, you have to work out what makes you happy by yourself but you also don't need to panic and figure it out overnight. I still don't know what I want to do as a career and yeah it does make me anxious at times but ultimately I will figure it out when I'm ready.

My friends are my happy place and that is the kind of happiness you need in you need in your life because it's so simple and it's so easy to find if you just look in the right places. They wont hurt you, they won't disappear and they won't leave you on their own (unless they all run off to catch pokemon).

Even the smaller things in my life that make you happy are worth noting because they remind me that my anxiety can't take over my life, I can still enjoy things, even if it is just an extra large iced caramel macchiato from Starbucks. I will enjoy that bad boy.

Be good to yourself, you deserve it.