Wednesday, 13 July 2016

Dear Diary: Learning to be alone

What a depressing title, no one ever wants to feel alone because it's crap. Sure, I kind of enjoy sitting on my own in Starbucks watching the world go by for all of about 20 minutes but after that I start to feel a bit restless and a little bit sad that unlike everyone else in there I don't have someone joining me for a coffee.

I don't like being on my own, I never have. I like my own company but I don't like feeling like I don't have a support system. I know that I have my mum and my dad and my sisters, I also know that I have my best friend and my work friends and all the people who make me smile day to day. I don't have a partner though, I don't have my other half and for the first time ever I feel like I'm missing a part of myself.

Working part time has been a bit of a curse for me the past few weeks, last week I was working 36 hours and hardly had a spare moment to myself, which was fab seeing as having time to process my thoughts seems to end in me feeling a bit crap. This week however I am working about 12 hours and am really struggling to keep myself in a good head space. I'm saving last weeks PLL just so I have something to look forward to. I may or may not head to town and return some Topshop jeans just so I can get myself ready and put my face on.
Also slightly fancy some sushi for lunch.

I've recently had to come to terms with facing the future alone, the guy I thought I was going to be with has made the decsion to press pause on us so he can focus on him. It's not selfish it's the right thing to do but it does hurt and it is a little bit shit.

It's mostly shit because I don't have something that I want to throw myself into and be passionate about, I wish I did but after quitting what I thought was my dream job a couple of weeks ago I literally have no idea what I even want from my own life. Not having a career in mind is terrifying but it's even more terrifying when you don't have that one person by your side.

I guess all I can do is try and get myself back on track, try and figure out where it is I want to be and who I want to be become. I know I need to be happy on my own, relying on someone else for happiness is never a good idea because they can be snatched away from you without a moments notice and then what are you left with.

Without meaning to sound completely depressed, I am okay. I will be okay and I will be completely happy again. Throwing myself into this blog has been a godsend, I took part in my first two Twitter chats on Sunday night and honestly I loved every second of it. As sad as it sounds I've never received so many notifications in one go and it was kinda fab. Everyone is so lovely and it's such a beautiful community to be a part of, seriously if you don't participate and have always just be a bystander like me, just take the plunge and join in, no one will ever reject you, they will welcome you with open arms.

In other news I have been applying for some children's teaching assistant apprenticeship vacancies and have heard back from a couple so that's relatively exciting. I think focusing on me is exactly what I need, I need to take some time, be on my own and be good to myself.

I hope you are all being good to yourself too.